Adam Grant says your frenemies are unhealthier than your enemies

Adam Grant told Young and Profiting that frenemies are unhealthier than enemies, because ambivalent relationships create more stress and bigger blood-pressure spikes than openly hostile ones. His claim is that the uncertainty of a friend who sometimes supports you and sometimes undercuts you keeps the body bracing for impact.

It’s a nasty little diagnosis, mostly because it refuses the comforting fantasy that the bad friend is obvious. Grant is not talking about a cartoon villain in your group chat. He’s talking about the person who remembers your birthday, makes the introduction, compliments the dress, then somehow turns your promotion into a weather event happening to them.

your frenemies are actually unhealthier for you on average than your enemies are.

The body hates maybe

Grant frames the toxic friend as an “ambivalent relationship,” which is a clinical way of saying: every hangout is a slot machine with a scented candle. You might get affection. You might get a dig. You might get both in the same sentence. The enemy, by comparison, is almost relaxing. At least the enemy has the decency to be consistent.

The more ambivalent ties you have, the greater your risk of stress, also even cardiovascular disease.

The verdict: credible, with a podcast-sized haircut. A frenemy does not magically hand you cardiovascular disease like a cursed friendship bracelet. But Grant’s bigger point tracks. Unpredictability is expensive. Your nervous system would rather deal with a locked door than a door that might open into a hug or a slap. That’s the reason the claim lands beyond self-help drama. It’s not “bad vibes.” It’s threat detection with brunch plans.

Grant’s advice is also better than the usual online therapy cosplay, where every irritation becomes a boundary and every boundary becomes exile. He doesn’t say to block everyone who has ever been jealous. He says to decide whether the relationship has enough good in it to repair.

you try to accept their personality, but you contain their behaviors.

Your best friend is not a Swiss Army knife

The frenemy claim sits inside Grant’s broader argument from his new book, Vibe: most of us overload friendship because we use one word for wildly different jobs. He divides people into associates, allies, pals, and companions. Associates solve practical needs. Allies build with you. Pals are fun. Companions are the people you call when the floor disappears.

Great pal, bad companion.

That three-word sentence is probably the most useful thing anyone has said about a flakey friend who is incredible at dinner and useless in a crisis. It lets you stop prosecuting the whole person. Maybe she is not a bad friend. Maybe she is a pal you accidentally promoted to companion without checking whether she wanted the job.

people who go to one friend for everything, for all of their companion, ally, and pal needs are less happy on average than people who go to different friends for different things

This is where Grant’s taxonomy gets usefully unromantic. We like the myth of the one best friend who is therapist, hype person, emergency contact, business adviser, karaoke partner, airport ride, and witness to our worst haircut. Grant says that’s too much load-bearing intimacy for one human. Community is not just a nicer word than networking. It’s redundancy.

Make the friend job smaller

The sneaky strength of Grant’s appearance is that it gives listeners permission to demote without detonating. The boss who wants to be best friends may need a boundary. The co-founder who never wants to vacation with you may be a perfectly good ally. The old college friend who vanishes for months may still be a companion if they show up when it counts. Adult relationships get easier when you stop forcing everyone into the same costume.

If Grant is right, the practical move is blunt but merciful: audit the role, not the label. Keep the pal for fun. Call the companion when life breaks. Ask the ally for help building. And if the frenemy makes your body prepare for combat every time your phone lights up, stop calling that chemistry.